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Love, Team Sh! xx
Hi, I am 18 years old and from India. I never heard of the word vaginismus in my life until I tried having sex once and twice and hundreds of times, and then one fine day I googled why would my vagina not let a penis enter. And after a few more readings I understood I might have vaginismus. I have never heard of anything called vaginismus before and this is how unaware every Indian is. I don't think I freaked out much when I read about it but as I read more, I learned about the causes and I think that was when it started affecting me and my life. One cause of having vaginismus is a history of child sexual abuse.
For months, I blamed my past and the perpetrator for ruining my childhood experience as well as my present and future. It was even worse because of the pandemic and the lockdown. And everytime I was reminded of how hard I have tried to have sex (also my partner gave his best), and still my vagina just didn't let a penis in. Tried it for months and months and hundreds of times, but nothing worked. I haven't experienced a lot of pain, but the tightening of vagina is the issue. I am 18 and on no income of my own, I often worry about the diagnosis and how will I treat this problem.
I have accepted my body lately. But, I have had a lot of body negativity. And I started commenting on my own body, being harsh to myself. And I hated my body for acting out. But yes I have accepted my body now, to some extent and accepted that I will need a diagnosis for this.
My vaginismus story is just the experience of the last one year, but it has affected my mental health so much and I wish that no women should go through this. No women should feel any less of a women. I don't know if I will be able to diagnose anytime soon but I just hope one day this will be over and I'll be normal and be able to enjoy sex.
