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Sex and sexuality isn't talked about in my culture. I come from a strict south-asian religious background, where we weren't even allowed to watch people kiss on the TV. So there was no sex positivity in my life at all.
We were told that masturbation was sinful and I always felt very dirty afterwards. This has been a central part of my issues around sex. In fact, I had never actually looked at myself and become familiar with my body until I was about 20 years old.
It was only then that I tried to penetrate myself with fingers and found that it wasn't pleasurable. I just felt a burning sensation and I was very aware of my fingers. I spoke to a friend about it, and she pointed out that it shouldn't actually feel like that. I still didn't think too much of it - I chalked it down to my inexperience.
It wasn't long after this that I realised I was a lesbian. That added a whole heap of guilt and shame to any sexual pleasure because my religion and culture told me it was wrong. I fought (and still fight) thoughts about my sexuality being wrong and against God. It's incredibly difficult to dismantle these beliefs that I was brought up with.
I met my first girlfriend but found that i was always hyperaware when we were intimate. She was very supportive and we tried a few ways to have intercourse, all of which were painful for me. Fingers, dildo, even just massaging the clitoris was painful. This just made me depressed. Sex is supposed to be this beautiful experience, but it's so out of reach for me. I hated that I couldn't connect with my girlfriend this way, even though I wanted to. I felt alone.
But over the past few years, I've started to untangle the beliefs around sex and my sexuality, so I could choose whether to carry them with me or not.
I found a therapist who was south Asian like me and gay. We have a lot of the same experiences in terms of the beliefs we were raised with. He's helped me to figure out where my guilt and shame comes from, and we're working on undoing the damage those beliefs have had on my life (and sex life).
I also ventured into a sexual health clinic. I was extremely anxious, but the doctors were so amazing, they made me feel really comfortable. They gave me a diagnosis of vaginismus. I'm now trying physiotherapy, to help me relax my muscles and just become more aware of what's happening in my body. I'd like to try dilators next.
This is a process that has taken years so far (7 to be exact!) and I'm still not comfortable with sex. But I'm OK with that, because i know it's a process. My vaginismus is a product of years and years of sex negative beliefs, shame and guilt, which will take time to untangle.
I haven't seen any queer people from my background talk about vaginimus, so I hope sharing my story will help someone else out there know that it's much more common than you think. And you don't have to carry the beliefs you were raised with.
